It's a facebook note posted by Ka Jeng Wong few hours before the Hong Kong première of KJ.
life is full of surprise.
it still amuses me that people are actually going to 'see' through the scenes to my inner world of thinking. I am not good - in fact very bad - at presenting myself to people. usually people take me to its extreme, either hate me or love me. many would think i am a talented young boy who doesn't treasure my gifts, or some would think I am living in my own fantasies being fake to people.. doesn't matter.
I am an intentionalist. I believe it's how we answer to ourselves at the end of the day that matters. many times consequentially I may have hurt "so many" people back in the past. well, maybe sometimes i meant them. but I hope i definitely didn't want to. mix feelings of strong personality, confusion, lack of direction, immaturity in ideas, (parental) influences may be good excuses? haha..
sometimes I hate myself. i hate myself for being crowned as "talented" or even "genius" which firstly, are not true; and secondly, destroyed my childhood. I believe everyone has his own path. most cases destined by family background, which could lead back to our fate as implicated by chinese astrology (exactly the reason I was so fond of it. it's fascinating how things are related.). Imagine what would happen if my mum didn't take her kids to the piano place and register with that damn mean piano teacher who just got her grade 8 exam when i was 7, but instead took me to a math class and then my father trained me like he did to my piano - 2 hours at lunch and perhaps a little more at night. then entering me to competitions and kept crowning the "fucking" glories. now you may say I am superficial and don't understand what competitions have brought to me. but if you do the same competition at february and march for 10 years in your childhood, then you may have the vibe.
competitions did give me motivation i guess. it was cool to achieve some little thing when you were 8. but it also forced me to play the music for the wrong reason. I must say I am also fortunate to have been in the competitions. coz I have realized its meaingless destruction to one's music sooner than other people. haha at least my father is obsessed with it, still.
So, one may be a billionaire, artist, janitor, lawyer, doctor, beggar.. whatever. for me it depends great deal on personality, background and education, all these basically "set" or simply determined by fate as represented by chinese astrology. seems cruel huh? somebody might just got bad luck and achieve nothing in his life, but just another human being with the same name of physical appearance may be the most 'successful' man in hong kong. Isn't God unfair? in that little interview in Czech 8 years agowith the movie director, King Cheung, I cried in front of the camera just because of that. I remember right before I went to czech I saw a bunch of people chasing after a thief on the street. The poor thief was half naked, skinny like me (oh well), climbing up one of the oldest buildings trying to escape from justice perhaps because he stole 30 bucks for food. I was shocked. one hour earlier I was practicing the piano and i never knew that there is so much tragedy, unfairness and sadness in this world. I still remember that scene, one of the most vividest of my childhood. the world is cruel place huh?
so i guess at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what we do. maybe that poor guy is destined to steal that 30 bucks. I am destined to be dumped by the same person 3 times in a row, aristo sham is destined to have so much talent composing so many incredible pieces. but I do believe in fairness out of all these chaos. I believe under the unlimited varieties in this world, God don't simply judge us if we 'explicitly' "put our faith in God" or do the "right" thing. But I believe he looks at how we grow upon our sincerity. be true to ourselves as human being.
I don't believe in Heaven.
Because I believe we are all living in Heaven already. We are just blindfolded by our immature human nature.
hope people who watch KJ will like it. you guys are lucky as I haven't watched it myself!
(bad english I know. 4 in the morning baby)